“You are entering this school a year later than some of your other peers, aren’t you worried about making friends?”
It’s early 2014. I waltz into the office of my soon to be principal for a final round of interviews as I prepare to transfer from one high school to another. Years later, I still cannot seem to get that question out of my head. “Respectfully,” I responded, “I don’t care much about the social aspect of school, I am here to learn and to better myself…everything else will come.” He shook my hand, nodded silently, and that was it. I was in. I spent the next three years in that space struggling socially, struggling with my confidence, and tearing myself down because of it…
I went to a college preparatory school, which prided themselves on their corporate work study program, rigorous curriculum, and endless, tireless discussions about college. I spent so long on the “prep” part of college that when I finally got there I had no clue what was supposed to be next. A part of me felt like college was spent tumbling through waves of emotion and confusion as I tried to catch up on all the other parts of myself I had neglected for so long. But, the deep contrast between such a focused environment and then attending The New School forced me to finally face the division inside of me I had managed to push down for so long.
- I am not a rule breaker.
I have never been someone who has felt daring, or comfortable with being outside of the norm. Therefore, I have done (or have at least tried to do) everything by the books. The “books” as a first generation college student happens to be going to college, getting a job, and being everything that those before you have not had the opportunity to be. But, I realized quickly and intensely that I was not living the life I wanted, but the one I thought was expected…
The expectation has never been for me to live a life that I can’t stand or that I don’t want. The expectation has been to follow the path I believe I want to go down. My elders have worked tirelessly so that I don’t have to. I spent so long prioritizing the things I felt were right, and now I continue to feel as though I have done myself a massive disservice because of it.
My answer to this principal, seven whole years ago, became my motto for a long time. I deprioritized any opportunity of creating and building any meaningful relationships, adventures, or experiences because I decided to prioritize my academic career. I prioritized the type of student I wanted to be known as. So, possibly not to anyone’s shock, when I was no longer a student I went into a spiral of confusion.
Who am I?
I went by the rules, I did what I thought I had to and yet I have no answer to that question. Many people probably don’t, but, I came to the realization that I had never stepped back to understand who I was outside of being a student. So much so that when it’s time to answer questions about my hobbies, my joys in life, or any unique and fun facts about me, I freeze. In fact, I have been a student for about 17 years. I had created a life and a justification for that life. All the prepping I had ever done was to get me to college, and now that I was out, it was up to me to sit and ask myself what was next?
So, when the opportunity was presented to begin working right outside of college, I jumped at the chance to have a job and begin this new chapter of my life. Getting a job outside of college is already a gift – pandemic or not. But, getting a job mid-pandemic which would allow me to work from home became my new fantasy. So, I started the interview process around November, graduated college in December, began onboarding in January, and finally started working my first “big girl” job in February 2021.
There is very little that I would say I am as grateful for as I am for having had this position. For many reasons, but, the main one being for showing me exactly what it was that I did not want for myself in this life. As much as I have tried running from this truth (for many years now), I am a creative. I love to write, I love to act, I love to read, I love to engage with other creatives. I found that art, theater, and literature forces us to look at the parts of ourselves that we can’t understand…the parts of us we never want to look at…
2) I want to be bold.
I want to break a rule or two, to be unconventional. I want to look back at this time in my life and know that I did all that I could to trailblaze, to be that person who created their own path regardless of the fear. To look at myself and have the ability to identify the truths of my faults and my positives, and make conscious decisions at improving my everyday circumstances.
Following the rules, “going by the books”, means so much and yet so little in this time period. We are taught to completely normalize mostly hating our careers, our jobs, our cities…I mean name it and we probably have a reason why we don’t like it. Not only that, but then we continue to stay in this space because we either
a) are stuck
b) have no choice
or
c) have normalized our positions
Everyday began to feel the same and my wake-up call was when I realized I could not tell a Friday from a Monday because I found them both just as miserable. If this was where following the rules was taking me then I knew at that point that I needed to muster up some courage and live to be bold. I did not have an answer as to what that looked like, actually I am still figuring that part out. But, when I started voicing my reality to my community I realized that about 90% of the pressure I placed on myself to get it right was coming from me (the other 10% is the fact that eventually I am going to have to get it together and support myself… but we aren’t there yet).
I don’t know where I will be 5 years from now, 1 year from now, hell one week from now. But I do know I have finally opened myself up to having ideas, having goals, but not closing myself off to the possibilities of open doors and going where the wind blows. That’s the difference. The difference is being so focused on creating and setting yourself up for the reality you think needs to happen that you ultimately and accidentally close yourself off to opportunities that might be right in front of you.
I have decided that although I don’t have the pieces completely put together, I am going to go for the dream. I am going to reach for the reality that I would like but would have to work hard to build, instead of the one I know I could be good at and never be satisfied.
Gloria Alyssa 